Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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