At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
