I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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