I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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