How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
