Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
