3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
