I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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