All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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