You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
