"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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