I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you would pick up someone in the library
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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