So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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