I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm passing your future prison.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
