final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
