omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have fence marks all over my body
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
