i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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