1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Floor bacon is actually really good
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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