I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That accounts for only three of the penises
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
