I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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