My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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