Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
