cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
