his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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