i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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