New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
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