20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
