3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
