If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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