you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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