my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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