I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
