I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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