6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's never too late to be topless.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
