I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
