Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How drunk are you?
Completed.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
