I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
