You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
