How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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