what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
