Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
