So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
