I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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