I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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