I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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