I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
