Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
