im drinking this country out of the recession.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
