i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
false alarm. still invincible.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
