so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
