i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
