Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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