Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
