Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
