Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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