My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
